I don’t know how else to describe this weekend other than to say that it’s been highly intense but also very beautiful. I’ve been hosting an out of towner, and playing tour guide has encouraged me to observe myself and my surroundings from a more objective lens. And holy shit, I’m overwhelmed by the vibrancy and warmth that emanates from within my community. When I moved to Baltimore City, I knew almost nobody. I was so isolated and alienated and lonely. At last night’s feminist BBQ my said visitor gushed about how strong Baltimore’s queer and feminist presence is, but trust me this wasn’t always here. Community was never just handed to me - I shaped what I have now by volunteering and booking shows and repetitively pushing myself out of my comfort zone. By going to reading group and talking to strangers at events even in the midst of panic attacks. I can do it again in New York City if that’s what needs to happen. I can be strong and I will be okay, even if I feel like my entire self is being crushed. I’ve come to a slew of other revelations in the past 72 hours, most of which I won’t share on the internet because they are highly personal. I will say that I’ve decided to stop drinking once and for all because even small quantities of alcohol makes me violently ill and triggers relentless anxiety. I’m terrified because I still have a party grrl complex & when you say don’t drink others treat you like a buzzkill. And also because I’m trying to hook up / date for the first time in forever& it’s been nearly a decade since I made out with a person for the first time while sober (this says more about six years of monogamy than my drinking habits though). But I’ve accessed my needs & being an adult means figuring out what needs to happen and then proceeding with minimal self-pity. It means going to grad school even though I feel like I’m dying. I need to take advantage of upcoming opportunities. This is a time of rebirth. I will be okay, even if I’m completely alone. I will remember the love from this weekend.

11:51 am  •  31 July 2012  •  19 notes